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Apparel
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Dear Doug,
My girlfriend, who's convenient for me at the moment, was watching the
cattle out in the back 40 with me last night. The big trouble for us was
that we had to constantly keep an eye out for the bull who was with the
herd of cows and calves. How can we enjoy taking a stroll down through the
pasture without contending with a bull? I know not to wear red
but is there anything else we should know to avoid?
- L.S. Missouri
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Dear L.S.,
You're best best would be to get you and your lady friend up on a horse.
I find that ladies don't like to be advised in the fashion department, especially
when it's removal you're after.
With the horse, you can have a worry free lope around the pasture because the bull
will keep a good distance. Plus, it seems that them grocery store novels always
has men up on horses, so I suppose it's kind of romantic. Should you
feel it necessary to "cow watch" on foot though, I recommend you
get yourself a HotShot cattle prod available at most local
farm supply
stores. It ain't a sure defense but it's better than nothing. A bull that
thinks you're messing with his cows ain't something you want to find yourself
in a tangle with, especially if you ain't real experienced.
- Doug
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Dear Doug,
I just got discharged from the Army, and went home to do a little spring
gobbler hunting. Thing is, my Ma went and packed all my camo in with where
her cats sleep. Now all my gear smells like cat piss. Is there any household remedy
for this?
- Ray, Gathersburg, MD
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Dear Ray,
Unless you're hunting cats, which is illegal in most states, them clothes
ain't good for nothing except speeding you toward the pearly gates on account of disease.
Aside from the complete depravity of crawling into a RealTree litter box,
how do you expect to be creeping up on them wily Maryland Whitetail, come
fall, if you're hauling around all that smell? My advice is you try to sell em.
Maybe you know someone who's always got a cold, or somebody that's lost their
nose to a combine. Better still, just burn the whole lot. You shouldn't let your Ma, or
any other woman for that matter, handle your camo in the first place because they
slop on all them fragrances. In the animal kingdom, that's akin to hearing the words
"three-alarm" and "camp" coming over the scanner at the same time.
- Doug
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Dear Doug,
I've been flippin through Cabela's
looking for my next set of camo (deer
season is only six month away, you know), and I have a question - do you
prefer the Advantage pattern, or that new RealTree Extra Grey? I just
can't decide, and my buddies at camp is real particular about stuff like
that.
- Otis, Davis, WV
P.S. I just joined the NRA from your site. Thanks for the link.
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Dear Otis,
Telling you which camo is best is dang near impossible. I liken it to trying
to choose between bacon or sausage at breakfast. Your best
bet is to go out and take a gander at the land you'll be hunting. Each patch
has its own characteristics and will fit certain patterns better than
others. At our camp, it seems that MT050 Whitetail Extreme camo with scent lock
generally works (depending on the rainfall), whereas down south of Harry John's,
nothing but Advantage Timber 3-D Leafy Wear works. Above all though, jumble up
what you put on. I know it looks good
to show up covered head-to-toe in the same Martha Stewart pattern but that's only good
for impressing women folk. If it's fooling critters of the furry variety you're after,
it's always better to mix and match your pants, jackets, and what not so as to break
up your outline.
-Doug
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