|
Doug's Thoughts on Beer
|
Dear Doug,
I recently moved from Virginia up here to the beautiful Green
Mountains. Being a beer conasewer and part Irish, I've been partial to
Guiness for some time now. Up here though, I've found myself drifting toward
local Vermont brews. Am I depriving my Irish heritage by drinking Magic Hat,
Long Trail, Shed, Otter Creek, etc? Should I be substituting in
some Irish ale, tag team fashion, and in what proportions?
- S.S.W., Vermont
|
Dear S.S.W.,
It ain't that you're neglecting your heritage, but rather you've discovered
that Americas are superior, in particular when it comes to beer,
and all around with everything else.
I ain't one for drinking them fancy beers though. They're as heavy as a wet
bail of hay, plus I can't justify the cost when a single "fancy" will set me back
the same as an eight-pack of Pabst and dinner for the kids. I reckon if it's an Irish
ale you crave from time to time, try Killians: it's made here in the good'ol
USA by Coors. That way you can satisfy the guilt you've been feeling
for your homeland (a might respectable emotion)
without sending your money overseas. Support your local industries
and keep on drinking them Vermont brews.
- Doug
|
Dear Doug,
First off, I must warn ya and those whose eyes may dribble over this here
story that this is something fierce and horrible. In June I was doing my
damnest to finish cutting the lawn in the front of my house. The Misses
was on the porch giving me a disapproving stare, as she don't like it when I
carry my Pabst in my hat dispenser, as she says it makes me look ridiculous
or something like that. Well, I was cutting around the `71 Ford gettup
that has been on its side in my front yard for years now (some drunk venture
I gather), anyhows, I came around and was noticing a birds nest in the
muffler when I heard scream. Now I look over and see Donald, my son, on
the ground. He was playing with his GI toys and my GT 225 Deere
snipped his third toe and his big toe clean off. Now the part of the
story that requires your advice is what happened right after. The big toe
flew straight at the Misses and hit her in the eye. Doctor stitched Donald
up good, but the Misses is blind on the right side. She hasn't spoken a darn
word to me since. I understood for awhile there, but hell, it's been three
weeks. How do I get out of the dog house and back to speaking with my
wife? She tossed the hat and don't allow Pabst in the house neither.
-Arnie, Stockton, Kansas
|
Dear Arnie,
It sounds like you and the old lady have some mending to do. I think
your best bet would be to blame her for the accident, on account of her not
letting you get a seven-bushel bagger when you bought the tractor. If the Deere
were rigged with a proper bagger, the
toes would'a been sucked up nice and clean, and she'd still have stereo vision with
depth perception and the works. She's probably not sour because
she feels bad for herself - hell, it's a good story - but rather that women
think everything is done on purpose. It might take some work but, if
the bagger thing don't fly, you need to
make her believe that you didn't intentionally whack the boy's toes off
just to get at that eye. Work them two leads as you see fit and
everything should be right as rain. As far as the hat goes, get one of them
camel backpack jobbies like the bike racers use. That baby'll hold four fold what the
hat did, and since the glass eye don't help her distinguish shapes and forms, I doubt
if she'd notice it under your shirt.
- Doug
|
Dear Doug,
I been seein all over the place these ads for non-alcoholic brews, and I
just don't get it. Can you tell me what the hell's the point? I mean, them
ads says it's for "folks who only drinks beers for the taste," and I gotta
tell ya, I don't think such a person exits. I mean, I smoke a couple two
packs of non-filters a day, so I can't taste nothin anymore anyways, but even
when I could I still only drank beers to get ruint! It just doesn't make
a lick a sense. I gotta tell ya, this whole thing's got me worried. Aren't
there any real beer drinkers left?
- Disappointed and Disillusioned in Nebraska
|
Dear D & D,
Not to fear - there are plenty of real beer drinkers left. Just have a look
at the dust on top of them cases of O'douls next time you're at the drink.
You'll probably also notice that the paint on the PBR cans ain't even but half dry.
I reckon the main idea behind these beer companies
putting out such a senseless product is so that the old boys down at the club
can feel like they fit in. You know, the ones who's doctor told em they're in
dire need of some new organs or assorted hardware, and if they don't quit
drinking they ain't gonna see spring gobler. With the O'douls laying around, the
barkeep can secretly pour them a "beer" or two so they don't catch to much grief
from the fellows, cause any man knows that a sour liver ain't no excuse
for not drinking.
- Doug
|
Dear Doug,
A friend of mine introduced me to PBR
over the weekend and I must say that
I was pleasantly surprised. However, the following morning I
spent about 3 hours on the toilet with the runs. This has never happened to me
when I drink lager, my usual choice. Is there anything I can do to
counteract this effect?
- Bleeding from the Butt, Iowa
|
Dear Bleeding,
This sounds like a very peculiar situation. I want you to think back
real hard now and see if you can't recollect mixing some kind of communist
liquor drink with your Ribbon? I ain't
never heard of the Blue tearing at a man's
insides. If that ain't it, I'd lay
money you found yourself some spoiled food, or maybe you just caught
a bug. Get yourself another 30 pack cube, but swill it down absolutely by itself this time,
just like you was on doctor's orders against eating before surgery. Take it in alone
(without nothing else, mind you) and I bet you find you're system right as rain.
If by some foul trick of fate you're still bothered, then I support your fondness
for lager, so long as it's American made.
- Doug
|
Dear Doug,
Me and my fishin’ buddies are always arguing over what brand of beer is the best.
Some say it’s Old Mil because that’s what it says on the can. Others say its
Budweiser.
Me personally, I think PBR is far and away the best.
Is there any kind of competition that would prove one of us right?
- J.P., Michigan
|
Dear J.P.,
Ask your friends who’s beer won the Blue Ribbon as America’s best in 1893.
- Doug
|
Dear Doug,
I have yet to meet a beer that I don't like, granted some are better than
others. However, I believe that the appropriate beer for hunting and fishing is
Schmitt, since the nature scenes bring out our primal urges to kill animals
and eat their meat over an open fire. Another excellent choice is Lucky
Lager - it is the perfect complement to anything and everything. Are these
fine brews available on the east coast?
C.H.,Pocatello, ID
|
Dear C.H.
I agree completely with your choices though everyone knows my absolute
favorite is Pabst. What is extremely comforting though is that all the best
dang'on brews are made by the same people (
Pabst, Schmidts, Old Milwaukee, Strohs
and so forth). Though not all great beers are available out east (sadly
Lucky is one of them), most are, and that's a blessing. There ain't
nothing like a cold Lucky stubby with a hunk of meat. The problem with Lucky is, I reckon,
I just ain't quite smart enough to figure out the dang riddles, if you know what I mean.
- Doug
|
Dear Doug,
Why is it that people keep asking the same stupid questions about beer?
"Which beer is the best?". Like that is even a question. There is no
single best beer. No beer is better for this or better for that. Nature scenes,
awards, quality...these are all things to look for in a good adult
entertainment flick but the best beer is the beer that's on sale.
R.Z., Salinas, CA
|
Good point R.Z.
- Doug
|
return to main menu |
submit a question |
send hate mail |
join the NRA
|