Dear Doug,
I recently moved from Virginia up here to the beautiful Green Mountains. Being a beer conasewer and part Irish, I've been partial to Guiness for some time now. Up here though, I've found myself drifting toward local Vermont brews. Am I depriving my Irish heritage by drinking Magic Hat, Long Trail, Shed, Otter Creek, etc? Should I be substituting in some Irish ale, tag team fashion, and in what proportions?
- S.S.W., Vermont

Dear S.S.W.,
It ain't that you're neglecting your heritage, but rather you've discovered that Americas are superior, in particular when it comes to beer, and all around with everything else. I ain't one for drinking them fancy beers though. They're as heavy as a wet bail of hay, plus I can't justify the cost when a single "fancy" will set me back the same as an eight-pack of Pabst and dinner for the kids. I reckon if it's an Irish ale you crave from time to time, try Killians: it's made here in the good'ol USA by Coors. That way you can satisfy the guilt you've been feeling for your homeland (a might respectable emotion) without sending your money overseas. Support your local industries and keep on drinking them Vermont brews.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
First off, I must warn ya and those whose eyes may dribble over this here story that this is something fierce and horrible. In June I was doing my damnest to finish cutting the lawn in the front of my house. The Misses was on the porch giving me a disapproving stare, as she don't like it when I carry my Pabst in my hat dispenser, as she says it makes me look ridiculous or something like that. Well, I was cutting around the `71 Ford gettup that has been on its side in my front yard for years now (some drunk venture I gather), anyhows, I came around and was noticing a birds nest in the muffler when I heard scream. Now I look over and see Donald, my son, on the ground. He was playing with his GI toys and my GT 225 Deere snipped his third toe and his big toe clean off. Now the part of the story that requires your advice is what happened right after. The big toe flew straight at the Misses and hit her in the eye. Doctor stitched Donald up good, but the Misses is blind on the right side. She hasn't spoken a darn word to me since. I understood for awhile there, but hell, it's been three weeks. How do I get out of the dog house and back to speaking with my wife? She tossed the hat and don't allow Pabst in the house neither.
-Arnie, Stockton, Kansas

Dear Arnie,
It sounds like you and the old lady have some mending to do. I think your best bet would be to blame her for the accident, on account of her not letting you get a seven-bushel bagger when you bought the tractor. If the Deere were rigged with a proper bagger, the toes would'a been sucked up nice and clean, and she'd still have stereo vision with depth perception and the works. She's probably not sour because she feels bad for herself - hell, it's a good story - but rather that women think everything is done on purpose. It might take some work but, if the bagger thing don't fly, you need to make her believe that you didn't intentionally whack the boy's toes off just to get at that eye. Work them two leads as you see fit and everything should be right as rain. As far as the hat goes, get one of them camel backpack jobbies like the bike racers use. That baby'll hold four fold what the hat did, and since the glass eye don't help her distinguish shapes and forms, I doubt if she'd notice it under your shirt.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I been seein all over the place these ads for non-alcoholic brews, and I just don't get it. Can you tell me what the hell's the point? I mean, them ads says it's for "folks who only drinks beers for the taste," and I gotta tell ya, I don't think such a person exits. I mean, I smoke a couple two packs of non-filters a day, so I can't taste nothin anymore anyways, but even when I could I still only drank beers to get ruint! It just doesn't make a lick a sense. I gotta tell ya, this whole thing's got me worried. Aren't there any real beer drinkers left?
- Disappointed and Disillusioned in Nebraska

Dear D & D,
Not to fear - there are plenty of real beer drinkers left. Just have a look at the dust on top of them cases of O'douls next time you're at the drink. You'll probably also notice that the paint on the PBR cans ain't even but half dry. I reckon the main idea behind these beer companies putting out such a senseless product is so that the old boys down at the club can feel like they fit in. You know, the ones who's doctor told em they're in dire need of some new organs or assorted hardware, and if they don't quit drinking they ain't gonna see spring gobler. With the O'douls laying around, the barkeep can secretly pour them a "beer" or two so they don't catch to much grief from the fellows, cause any man knows that a sour liver ain't no excuse for not drinking.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
A friend of mine introduced me to PBR over the weekend and I must say that I was pleasantly surprised. However, the following morning I spent about 3 hours on the toilet with the runs. This has never happened to me when I drink lager, my usual choice. Is there anything I can do to counteract this effect?
- Bleeding from the Butt, Iowa

Dear Bleeding,
This sounds like a very peculiar situation. I want you to think back real hard now and see if you can't recollect mixing some kind of communist liquor drink with your Ribbon? I ain't never heard of the Blue tearing at a man's insides. If that ain't it, I'd lay money you found yourself some spoiled food, or maybe you just caught a bug. Get yourself another 30 pack cube, but swill it down absolutely by itself this time, just like you was on doctor's orders against eating before surgery. Take it in alone (without nothing else, mind you) and I bet you find you're system right as rain. If by some foul trick of fate you're still bothered, then I support your fondness for lager, so long as it's American made.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
Me and my fishin’ buddies are always arguing over what brand of beer is the best. Some say it’s Old Mil because that’s what it says on the can. Others say its Budweiser. Me personally, I think PBR is far and away the best. Is there any kind of competition that would prove one of us right?
- J.P., Michigan

Dear J.P.,
Ask your friends who’s beer won the Blue Ribbon as America’s best in 1893.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I have yet to meet a beer that I don't like, granted some are better than others. However, I believe that the appropriate beer for hunting and fishing is Schmitt, since the nature scenes bring out our primal urges to kill animals and eat their meat over an open fire. Another excellent choice is Lucky Lager - it is the perfect complement to anything and everything. Are these fine brews available on the east coast?
C.H.,Pocatello, ID

Dear C.H.
I agree completely with your choices though everyone knows my absolute favorite is Pabst. What is extremely comforting though is that all the best dang'on brews are made by the same people ( Pabst, Schmidts, Old Milwaukee, Strohs and so forth). Though not all great beers are available out east (sadly Lucky is one of them), most are, and that's a blessing. There ain't nothing like a cold Lucky stubby with a hunk of meat. The problem with Lucky is, I reckon, I just ain't quite smart enough to figure out the dang riddles, if you know what I mean.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
Why is it that people keep asking the same stupid questions about beer? "Which beer is the best?". Like that is even a question. There is no single best beer. No beer is better for this or better for that. Nature scenes, awards, quality...these are all things to look for in a good adult entertainment flick but the best beer is the beer that's on sale.
R.Z., Salinas, CA

Good point R.Z.
- Doug