Dear Doug,
My dog, Nigel, is a good sort, for a mixed breed of Black Lab and Pekinese, but lately he's been actin awful strange. I don't know what makes him do it, but right out of nowheres I'll look over an see him with front paws pullin and hind legs spread eagle, dragging his after quarters cross the floor like he forgot to wipe. Now, that don't bother me cause we don't have carpet, but with the shameful condition my plank floors are in, I'd hate to have him get a splinter. I think this behavior might all be on account of that little sissy long-hair Pekinese he got in him, and heck, I don't doubt Doc Parker at the animal clinic would say the same. Trouble is, funds are kinda tight, what with the gas prices being so high and all, so I don't think I can work the Doc in right now. Anyhow, I was hopin you might know what the trouble is so I could maybe fix things up at home. Hope you can help.
- Barry, Charleston, WV

Dear Barry,
A couple of things spring to mind here: First off, what fool went and ruined a good bird breed by mixing in Pekinese. That said, I've a mind to go with your hunch that it's plain wimpiness, which is the natural result of breeding for old women. On the other hand, the manliness of the lab could be comin through too. For instance, how often do you just sit around and scratch your ass because there ain't nothin better to do? In order for you to determine which effect is giving rise to your critter's disorder, just take him out back and fire off a couple of magnum turkey loads real close. If the dog turns tale, it's just a crazy wimp dog. If he starts scouring the yard for a wounded fowl, then he's just scratching himself like any man would do. Also, if you're real worried about them splinters, maybe you could whip up a little scratch pad out of porch carpet and plywood. That should be cheap and easy enough to hose off. Another more serious possibility is that your friend could be afflicted with worms, in which case he'll need a little engine cleaner for his insides. Don't worry though, they can't garnish your wages for unpaid vet bills, far as I know.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I'm a single guy and my dog humps every girl I bring to my place. It's highly embarrassing and I don't think the girls appreciate it much. What should I do?
- Jake, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Jake,
Since dogs have four legs, they're naturally faster than humans. Still, I think you can beat him to it if you're quick out of the blocks.
- Doug