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Financial Matters
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Dear Doug,
As the only child of a poor logging family, I was always a little short of
means, but I cherish everything Ma & Pop gave to me. They have now since
passed this earth and the only thing I inherited was Pop's '78
Gremlin. It has been my pride and joy since that summer when Pop went to ashes. I now
have a boy of my own, who was himself conceived in that same Gremlin
16 years ago. My question is, is this an appropriate heirloom for my boy when
I go on to the promised glory?
-Stumpy, Cornucopia, Oregon
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Dear Stumpy,
Yes indeed it is. My personal feelins on the subject is that an heirloom is
something you can use and carries a bit of meaning with it, not some silly
french table yer Gramma gave you that the wife gets all worked up about when you sit
beers on it or cut salami. Things like pocket knives with antler
handles worn smooth from your Grandpa's hands, guns with stocks full of
notches from deer felled, fishin lures who's hooks have been
bent straight from many a lunker hog, and, in your case, a beat up Gremlin
that drags the back end cause you and your Dad before you wore the shocks out. These
are all perfectly good
heirlooms. Anything that truly meant something to you is fit to be passed
on, and may God strike down the woman that puts a timeless piece of history
in a yard sale.
- Doug
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Dear Doug,
Bout 4 weeks ago (mayhaps it was closer to a month) I had myself a bit of a
spill down at the plant. The bad news is that it fried up my gizzards pretty
good and I had to go under the knife. The good news is that I'm pretty
much good as new (although my vapors now smells of antifreeze - go figure) and my
workers comp is keeping me full of Fightin Cock. I also received a fairly
good sized lump of cash from the plant on accounts of how they should'a taken
greater care to make sure the workmen didn't arrive with a headfull of the
Ribbon. My question is, what should I do with the money? I must admit, a
life of leisure sounds awful appealing to my ears, but I don't know squat
bout finances and such. You're just about the smartest man I know, Doug, can
you help me?
- Comfortably Numb in Wichita
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Dear Numb,
Sounds to me like you just proved most of the wives in this here world wrong.
From what you say, it
would seem that drinking, in fact, can get you somewhere. Now, to
address your concern, the last thing you want to do is go and quit working
altogether. If you just can't handle your current employment situation,
you could probably stand to switch lines and do something you've
always wanted to, like dole out bait at the tackle shop.
If your plant ain't crawling with communists, an over abundance of women,
empty snack machines, rules against snap-on calendars, etc.,
then just stay put. Either way, gainful employment is liable to keeps you alive, on account of
not allowing your vices the full 24 hours to root.
I once knew a fellow who came across a pretty good sized pile of greenbacks,
and ain't been the same ever since. He quit work and was fine for a spell, but lately
we've had to hide all
his shoelaces and belts to keep him from doing something stupid. I suggest you
invest at least half in trust funds at all the bars on your way home, then
sink the rest in firearms, which are easy to liquidate as expenses come up.
Pay down the debts you wife has rung up too. New boats,
trucks, hunting trips to Alaska, the occasional rent by the hour motel, etc.,
may or may not fit into the picture, and it wouldn't hurt to
see a professional in the nearest
town in order to get some handle on the future (check with the Doc to see how
long that is). Also, beware if some snake starts talking about real estate or God,
and don't let anyone sell you life insurance or annuities.
- Doug
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Dug,
How come them tree-huggin' Greenpeace bastards is always raisin the
interest rates? I thought them fellers was supposed to be savin whales and what
not. They're messin up the whole economy. Why, just the other day, I had to
break my biggest bill (a ten) just to buy a case of The Beast cause all of a
sudden it cost over five bucks! No bother though, my little Ellie Sue
understood, and she got dinner the next night.
- Joe Bob, Hurricane, West Virginia
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Dear Joe Bob,
You're damn right. The new boat I've been eyeballin just got more
expensive. The thinking is (according to Roy down at the Paddock who used
to work in accounting at CAT), goods that you pay cash for should get cheaper
because inflation will go down. That's all well and good if you pay
cash, but who's got that? I'm wondering though, if inflation
goes down and taxes goes up, who really wins? Were the money appropriated
to fund bombs for them damn Iraqi's, I wouldn't
care, but I'll be kicked in the forehead by a mule before I let some hippy
waste my boat money on deciding whether or not shit stinks worse in May or June.
I wasn't aware that that mother-sucker
Greenspan was affiliated with
Greenpeace, but
I suppose I should have made the association.
- Doug
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