Dear Doug,
As the only child of a poor logging family, I was always a little short of means, but I cherish everything Ma & Pop gave to me. They have now since passed this earth and the only thing I inherited was Pop's '78 Gremlin. It has been my pride and joy since that summer when Pop went to ashes. I now have a boy of my own, who was himself conceived in that same Gremlin 16 years ago. My question is, is this an appropriate heirloom for my boy when I go on to the promised glory?
-Stumpy, Cornucopia, Oregon

Dear Stumpy,
Yes indeed it is. My personal feelins on the subject is that an heirloom is something you can use and carries a bit of meaning with it, not some silly french table yer Gramma gave you that the wife gets all worked up about when you sit beers on it or cut salami. Things like pocket knives with antler handles worn smooth from your Grandpa's hands, guns with stocks full of notches from deer felled, fishin lures who's hooks have been bent straight from many a lunker hog, and, in your case, a beat up Gremlin that drags the back end cause you and your Dad before you wore the shocks out. These are all perfectly good heirlooms. Anything that truly meant something to you is fit to be passed on, and may God strike down the woman that puts a timeless piece of history in a yard sale.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
Bout 4 weeks ago (mayhaps it was closer to a month) I had myself a bit of a spill down at the plant. The bad news is that it fried up my gizzards pretty good and I had to go under the knife. The good news is that I'm pretty much good as new (although my vapors now smells of antifreeze - go figure) and my workers comp is keeping me full of Fightin Cock. I also received a fairly good sized lump of cash from the plant on accounts of how they should'a taken greater care to make sure the workmen didn't arrive with a headfull of the Ribbon. My question is, what should I do with the money? I must admit, a life of leisure sounds awful appealing to my ears, but I don't know squat bout finances and such. You're just about the smartest man I know, Doug, can you help me?
- Comfortably Numb in Wichita

Dear Numb,
Sounds to me like you just proved most of the wives in this here world wrong. From what you say, it would seem that drinking, in fact, can get you somewhere. Now, to address your concern, the last thing you want to do is go and quit working altogether. If you just can't handle your current employment situation, you could probably stand to switch lines and do something you've always wanted to, like dole out bait at the tackle shop. If your plant ain't crawling with communists, an over abundance of women, empty snack machines, rules against snap-on calendars, etc., then just stay put. Either way, gainful employment is liable to keeps you alive, on account of not allowing your vices the full 24 hours to root. I once knew a fellow who came across a pretty good sized pile of greenbacks, and ain't been the same ever since. He quit work and was fine for a spell, but lately we've had to hide all his shoelaces and belts to keep him from doing something stupid. I suggest you invest at least half in trust funds at all the bars on your way home, then sink the rest in firearms, which are easy to liquidate as expenses come up. Pay down the debts you wife has rung up too. New boats, trucks, hunting trips to Alaska, the occasional rent by the hour motel, etc., may or may not fit into the picture, and it wouldn't hurt to see a professional in the nearest town in order to get some handle on the future (check with the Doc to see how long that is). Also, beware if some snake starts talking about real estate or God, and don't let anyone sell you life insurance or annuities.
- Doug

Dug,
How come them tree-huggin' Greenpeace bastards is always raisin the interest rates? I thought them fellers was supposed to be savin whales and what not. They're messin up the whole economy. Why, just the other day, I had to break my biggest bill (a ten) just to buy a case of The Beast cause all of a sudden it cost over five bucks! No bother though, my little Ellie Sue understood, and she got dinner the next night.
- Joe Bob, Hurricane, West Virginia

Dear Joe Bob,
You're damn right. The new boat I've been eyeballin just got more expensive. The thinking is (according to Roy down at the Paddock who used to work in accounting at CAT), goods that you pay cash for should get cheaper because inflation will go down. That's all well and good if you pay cash, but who's got that? I'm wondering though, if inflation goes down and taxes goes up, who really wins? Were the money appropriated to fund bombs for them damn Iraqi's, I wouldn't care, but I'll be kicked in the forehead by a mule before I let some hippy waste my boat money on deciding whether or not shit stinks worse in May or June. I wasn't aware that that mother-sucker Greenspan was affiliated with Greenpeace, but I suppose I should have made the association.
- Doug