Dear Doug,
This last labor day weekend some me and some friends were drinking near a swamp that we drove our trucks through when a bunch of French tourists came through on mountain bikes. The scoffed at us cause wer just a bunch a dirty american good ol boys drinkin hamms on the tailgates of our dirty trucks. Then they laughed and peddled their bread and cheese eatin asses down the path. Where do they git off bustin our aggets after we bailed them out of three wars in a century. If ya asks me, I think that we should have fought the french in the two world wars for bein such candyasses. What are yer feelins on it.
- Bear, Warren, Idaho

Dear Bear,
I damn sure agree. The French are one of them folk that just looking at em gets under yer skin. Then they start talking and it takes everything you've got saved up to keep from caving their teeth in and screaming "speak normal!" Any country who's national hero is a five foot tall wussy who gets studied in school on what not to do in war, has no business laughing at anyone but themselves. Next time you find yourself in a situation like that, I'd fire up the trucks and buzz around the sissies a couple times. Kind of like what you do when you're on the lake testing out your new 225 and you spot a bunch of hippies canoeing. A couple of unopened Hamms propelled in their direction could serve the purpose as well too. Of course, you'll need to go salvage them later. Other than that, you could simply show them directly what good 'ol boys do when they're provoked by foreigners in the backwoods of Idaho.
-Doug

Dear Doug,
I really enjoy your web site. Who knew that so much information could be just a click away? I recently heard of a group called PEETA (People for the Enjoyment of Eating Tasty Animals). Do you know if there is a chapter in central PA? Also, if you're acquainted with Clearfield county Surf-N-Turf (carp and goundhog), can you recommend a good wine that ain't to expensive? Thanks and keep up the good work.
- Cecil Buggywhip, Reedsville, PA

Dear Cecil,
I wouldn't imagine there being a chapter in central PA, on account of them god damn hippies had it shut down. I ain't inciting violence and, just cause I told you that don't grant license to go do anything foolish, but they served some kind of communist lawsuit and got PEETA taken of the internet. I guess that's the kind of power you have when you're represented by a bunch of anorexic models protesting fur, while they're sitting on leather couches sticking spoons down their throats. Anyhow, rest assured your friends at DearDoug.com will bear the tourch, on account of being firm believers that the consumption of meat is wholesome. Plus, we ain't harboring no hippies or models to gum up the works. As for that surf-and-turf you're fixing to spring on the old lady (anniversary coming up?), I'm gonna stray from the norm and recommend Old Milwaukee, on account of it goes a little better with carp. Most of the wine I made this year seems to go best with itself, so I reckon that ain't quite the thing for your fancy vittles.
-Doug

Dear Doug,
I recently came across some rather large eggplants. I went to my house and grabbed the burlap sack that I usually cure roadkills in, so I could collect some for supper. When I returned it was nearing dark and I noticed that the eggplants had a greenish glow to them. I went ahead and picked a few and cooked up a mean possum/eggplant parmesan. Everything was wonderful but I did notice a hint of a green glow in the toilet a few days later. So, I guess my question is how many times do I need to smash the possum (and with what type of mallet) to ensure that all bones are pulverized?
- Kid Whip, Area 51 outskirts, USA

Dear Whip,
I reckon it depends on whether or not it was hit with a Chevy or a Nissan. If the possum already took a good shot from a 1/2 ton, it shouldn't take but a delicate pounding. A nice 24-oz. California Framer on the hard spots should do it. Now, if it were a little rice burner that barely nicked it's head, I recommend you find yourself a couple scraps of plywood, lay the possum between em, and then run over it with a proper truck. This'll ensure uniform pulverization without breaking the skin and the meat won't dry out as bad on the grill.
- Doug

P.S. I don't recommend you pick any more of them eggplants.

Dear Doug,
Is squash a vegitable or is it bread?
-P.J., Desmoines

Dear P.J.,
It's a vegetable.
-Doug

Dear Doug,
I was walking with my dog last week and I came across two deer carcasses that must have been poached, but the perpetrators cut off the antlers and left all that good meat. They've been in the woods a good six months, but the vultures have more or less left 'em alone. Is that meat still worth butchering?
- Cletus, UP Michigan

Dear Cletus,
Normally I would say straight off that your find is not suitable for man or beast, particularly if it's been neglected by the vultures. Technically, it is carrion; however, since I see you're writing in from the UP, I reckon yous are just coming into the thaw and it could be that the ice pack kept them deer all winter. Slice em up and have just a little at first, without A1. Remember, the good Lord gave you a nose, taste buds, and a cantankerous gut for your own personal protection. If it smells good, looks good, and don't make you sick, dig in. You might want to involve your dog in the decision making process - seems animals sometimes have a better sense about these things than humans.
-Doug