Dear Doug,
My daughter accidentally flushed her pet turtle down the commode. She said she was "giving it a bath". She hasn't stopped crying now for almost three days. Seeing how she's only five years old, I guess I can't expect her to know any better. Thing is, she wants me to try to get the turtle back. Now I don't know much about how tough God builds turtles, but assuming I can get that bugger out of the septic tank, can a turtle survive in shit water for three days?
- J.S., Pennsylvania

Dear J.S.,
Probably. But the point really is, do want your daughter huggin and kissin a critter that's been soaking in your remnants for 72 god forsaken hours? Go for a walk in the woods and find a turtle approximately the same size. If you get any questions about how the turtle looks a little different, blame the sewage soaking.
- Doug

P.S. explain to your daughter that a toilet is a place for serious contemplation, and no place for turtle washing.