Dear Doug,
I recently got into an argument with one of my coworkers over the proper length of a man's bangs, as compared to the length of the hair that falls on his shoulders. I was of the mind that the hair in back should be at least five times as long, whereas he reckoned they should be equal. Who's right?
- Hank, Mississippi

Dear Hank,
Instead of trying to decide who's right or wrong, here's some parameters to keep in mind when speaking about dews: If it's a buzz cut, it's OK. If your Mom stuck a salad bowl on your head and cut everything the same length, it's OK. If you just plain never cut your hair, it's OK. Now, if you go somewheres and ask em to cut your hair all the same length, we have a problem. Only two types of people do that: hippies and pretty boys, neither of which I'm too fond of. In general though, your safest bet is to walk into a barber shop and say "leave'er alone in the back, feather the sides, and block the front right above the brows."
- Doug

Dear Doug,
Every now and then I get a twinge in my left nut sack (like a throbbing). Any ideas on what this could be? It usually happens after I eat a big piece of marbled meat.
- L.D., Pennsylvania

Dear L.D.,
On account of this being where most of a man's emotions are generated, I'd venture to say it's just the result of extreme satisfaction. If your scrotum smarts a bit though, this ain't no proper sensation and I'd sure let someone (preferably associated with the medical arts) take a gander to make sure everything's shipshape. Remember, there are two things in life you check out good and thorough just as soon as they start acting up: boat motors and your unit. Everything else gets two squirts of WD-40.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I got in a car accident a couple of years ago and my two front teeth are false. The thing is they aren’t permanent, they’re on a retainer like thing that I take out at night. I can’t eat with them in but I have to wear them or I’ll look as stupid as I am. Now, the boys don’t mind it but my old lady freaks out if we’re at an eating establishment and I lay them on the table. Is there any sort of rule for what to do with your teeth while eating?
- W.D., Pennsylvania

Dear W.D.,
If you’re going out with just the boys, don’t wear them at all. It makes you look tougher. As for being with the wife, try and discretely hide them in a napkin and keep them on your lap so the waitress doesn’t mistakenly take them.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I also have a problem with my teeth. Ya see, about five years ago, some asshole from a rich kid school in Spokane headbutted my front teeth out. The dentists and all keep trying to keep me looking some what respectable, but people still say that I'm ugly as spoiled mayonnaise. What should I do about my problem, Doug? By the way- I love PBR. Keep up the great work. You are an inspiration to me and all society.
A.C., Seattle, WA

Dear A.C.,
I wouldn't worry so much about not being so handsome. Some of the most important people in this here world are ugly. If it's women you're worried about, then give her a couple pulls of fightin cock and she may well mistake you for Clint Eastwood. That aside, listen to me and listen good: Letting people know it was a rich spoiled kid that knocked you ugly, hell that ain't even something you let on to your closest friends at fishing camp - they'd laugh you straight back to town. Now if you go around telling people it was a bull you was riding and it bucked you straight into the back of it's head and blood was gushing everywhere but you still hung onto the sun of a gun for a full eight, then that there's a story that demands respect. Remember, injuries are like fishin tales...
- Doug