Dear Doug,
I got me a problem. Well, actually it is a number of problems. See it all started when I went into the little sanctuary some call a bathroom. Anyway, I went in to do business and when I pressed the handle to flush, I got a little groan in return and the jon started to fill up and overflow. Now, I grabbed the plunger and began pushin and a pushin. By this time, I got a mess plum up to my ankles. The water ran into the living room and now I got carpet that smells like a roadkill in July. I am planning on having some buddies over for beers and to throw some cards around, but don't know how to get the smell out. The second problem is that the water ran all up and over my American Rifleman magazines and they are not fit to read. Can a fella get back issues of The Rifleman from the NRA or what? The third problem is that the water started some rash growing on my ankles and feet. I can't get rid of it. Boy, could I ever use your help.
- Sincerely, Outhouse in the Inhouse, Orofino, ID

Dear Outhouse,
Sounds to me like you got a major problem and two minor inconveniences. Let's cut to the quick - tear out your carpet and throw some gas on yer ankles, but for the love of Pete, we gotta do something about them magazines. Separate em as you would if you were looking for survivors in an earthquake. Put the walking wounded in one pile, the healthy in another, and the dead in a third. Now, get your healthy ones somewhere safe and above the flood line, out of harm's way, and start worrying about the wounded. I suggest you go get yourself some bait (like a couple dozen cases of PBR) and tell your friends you feel it's time they get appreciated and you bought them free beer. That should get the help rolling your way. If you got room on a credit card, you might want to think about flying someone in from the Smithsonian. Once they're all assembled, give em the catch. Tell them you desperately need their help and show them the damage. Cry if you need to. Any man with a heart will realize the severity of your situation and feel obliged to stay. Get a pallet of wax paper and carefully separate every page to prevent sticking during the drying process. Then, lay em out somewheres good and dry, fanning through the pages on the quarter of each hour. As for the dead ones, flea markets are your best bet for replacements, but you're gonna have to lay down coin. E-bay has some too, so I'm told. For future reference, I keep my entire pre-1990 collection in a low humidity lockbox against such acts of God.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I bought a piece of land last year for dirt cheap. I wasn’t quite sure why the price was so good at the time but I think I have it figured out. I moved my trailer on to it and sure as shit about a month later I was looking at the fishbowl on top the TV and it was tilted. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve had those same cinderblocks under her for 17 years and never once did they squish - the dang ground was sinking! I think that slimy dirt-eatin crook sold me a piece of swamp. Is there any way for me to keep my house from fallin over?
- J.M., Louisiana

Dear J.M.,
Sounds like you have a peck of trouble on your hands. I think your best bet would be to go get four heavy-duty bottle jacks and four good sheets of treated ply. Put them at the corners of your trailer with the jacks in the middle of each sheet. This should disperse some of the weight and stall the problem but it won’t solve it completely. At least with the jacks you’ll be able to make minor adjustments to the height of each corner as the need arises. If the milk starts running out of your fruit loops on one side, it’s time to give her a crank. Eventually, you’ll either need to pump in grout, add pilings, or move the trailer altogether.
- Doug