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Doug's Reading List
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Dear Doug,
Due to a recent inheritance, my wife and I were able to muster up
enough money to get into a house without wheels.
I really like the new place; it has a garage, deck, and two bathrooms. For
obvious reasons, my wife and I each claimed our own bathroom but she's
always complaining about my reading material being "unclassy," and
puts it away before anyone comes over. I don't know about you, but I really
look forward to "pinching a loaf" at other people's houses, if only for the
magazine variety. Is there any sort of code on what reading is proper?
- T.J., Belk Corner, Arkansas
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Dear T.J.,
If you and your old woman have your own rooms, then, odds are, guests
using your library are men folk exclusively. For your sake and
theirs, here's a list of acceptable and
unacceptable publications. Of course, it would be dang near impossible to
cover everything so just take in the following as example collections:
Acceptable
(1) hunting books and magazines
(2) fishing books, magazines, and lunar tables
(3) any manuals that came with your tools
(4) naked women
(5) Readers Digest
(6) newsletters (union, grass-roots NRA, etc.)
Unacceptable
(1) home improvement (real men make shit up)
(2) self-help (you don't want that getting out)
(3) men's health publications
(4) novels (this leads to too many repeat customers)
P.S. Have you thought about installing one of them TV/VCR combos?
- Doug
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Dear Doug,
I was at a yard sale the other morning and I saw that some woman was
sellin her husband's collection of the Shooter's Bible. I kid you not, thems
was complete from 1999 all the ways back to 1967. When I went and asked
her what he wanted for em, she said they was two
dollars for the lot! Suddenly I started getting real suspicious like, and
asked why her husband was unloadin this golden collection so cheap. After a
few minutes of her hemmin and hawing, I kinda sleuthed out that her husband didn't
even know she was a sellin em. Well, I went straight to Farmer's Trust and came back
just as quick as I could with the two bills, but it don't seem quite
right about the poor man gettin the shaft from his old lady like that. If that
was my old lady, she'd be a sleeping in the
barn right. How can I ease my mind on this?
- T.T., Littleton, TX
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Dear T.T.,
While I appreciate you posting this question under literature, I'm a little nervous
about answering your plea for advice, on account of having to creep
into the no-man's-land of Woman's psyche (women ought'a be required to
show Hazmat placards hauling around all that Estrogen). It's
any man's guess why
that woman would betray her man on such a large scale. I'm personally
missing SB 1967-1971, and would consider selling a kidney to fill the gap.
Let's just accept the hard fact of what she did and work from there. Although it's
tempting to invoke the golden rule - finders keepers - the rule mostly
counts for roadkill, poorly guarded
government property, and the occasional girl at the bar who can't stand up of
her own free will. When it comes to participating in an act perpetrated by
a woman that's liable to cause a fellow man untold heartache and grief, it falls upon
you to do what's right. Drop them Bibles off on that man's porch, else,
come judgement day, you'll have some real fast talking to do upstairs. This fellow's a
man, you know, and there's a reason they call it the Shooters BIBLE.
-Doug
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