Dear Doug,
Due to a recent inheritance, my wife and I were able to muster up enough money to get into a house without wheels. I really like the new place; it has a garage, deck, and two bathrooms. For obvious reasons, my wife and I each claimed our own bathroom but she's always complaining about my reading material being "unclassy," and puts it away before anyone comes over. I don't know about you, but I really look forward to "pinching a loaf" at other people's houses, if only for the magazine variety. Is there any sort of code on what reading is proper?
- T.J., Belk Corner, Arkansas

Dear T.J.,
If you and your old woman have your own rooms, then, odds are, guests using your library are men folk exclusively. For your sake and theirs, here's a list of acceptable and unacceptable publications. Of course, it would be dang near impossible to cover everything so just take in the following as example collections:

Acceptable
(1) hunting books and magazines
(2) fishing books, magazines, and lunar tables
(3) any manuals that came with your tools
(4) naked women
(5) Readers Digest
(6) newsletters (union, grass-roots NRA, etc.)

Unacceptable
(1) home improvement (real men make shit up)
(2) self-help (you don't want that getting out)
(3) men's health publications
(4) novels (this leads to too many repeat customers)

P.S. Have you thought about installing one of them TV/VCR combos?
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I was at a yard sale the other morning and I saw that some woman was sellin her husband's collection of the Shooter's Bible. I kid you not, thems was complete from 1999 all the ways back to 1967. When I went and asked her what he wanted for em, she said they was two dollars for the lot! Suddenly I started getting real suspicious like, and asked why her husband was unloadin this golden collection so cheap. After a few minutes of her hemmin and hawing, I kinda sleuthed out that her husband didn't even know she was a sellin em. Well, I went straight to Farmer's Trust and came back just as quick as I could with the two bills, but it don't seem quite right about the poor man gettin the shaft from his old lady like that. If that was my old lady, she'd be a sleeping in the barn right. How can I ease my mind on this?
- T.T., Littleton, TX

Dear T.T.,
While I appreciate you posting this question under literature, I'm a little nervous about answering your plea for advice, on account of having to creep into the no-man's-land of Woman's psyche (women ought'a be required to show Hazmat placards hauling around all that Estrogen). It's any man's guess why that woman would betray her man on such a large scale. I'm personally missing SB 1967-1971, and would consider selling a kidney to fill the gap. Let's just accept the hard fact of what she did and work from there. Although it's tempting to invoke the golden rule - finders keepers - the rule mostly counts for roadkill, poorly guarded government property, and the occasional girl at the bar who can't stand up of her own free will. When it comes to participating in an act perpetrated by a woman that's liable to cause a fellow man untold heartache and grief, it falls upon you to do what's right. Drop them Bibles off on that man's porch, else, come judgement day, you'll have some real fast talking to do upstairs. This fellow's a man, you know, and there's a reason they call it the Shooters BIBLE.
-Doug