Dear Doug,
Seems that my Chevy's engine is all boogered up with some kind of green stuff that ain't anti-freeze. What in god's holy name could be the problem here?
- Roundlove, Vermont

Dear Roundlove,
First things first. Make sure it's not anti-freeze. Put a bit in front of your dog and see if he licks it. If he does, then it may actually be anti-freeze and one of your radiator hoses on the topside of your block is probably wore out or loose. I don't think a cracked block or expansion plug could be the culprit because you say it's gumming up the engine. So, it must be coming from topside and sealing itself to the hot motor. Now, if your dog won't lick it and you trust your neighbors and have no suspicion of sabotage, you may have a blown head gasket. Could be that the valve cover gasket is leaking on the block too. You see, sometimes you can get a little water in the oil (from the head gasket) which gives it a milky greyish color and can look quite squirly. I don't have to tell you that an engine mixing water and oil is not the kind of thing you want to drive around town (unless you want it on blocks in your front yard, which you may). Squirt a little WD-40 around the head and take out an add in the paper.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I'm about 5000 mile over my last maintenance checkup on old Nellie. She's a fine truck and I don't want anything bad to happen to her? I've been so dern busy I can't get her to my bastard grease monkey. Any ideas on what I can do myself to help her out in the mean time?
- L.D., Red Lion, Pennsylvania

Dear L.D.,
I'm assuming she's just due for a standard lube and filter here, judging from the mileage. "Just" is a bad choice of words though because you've absolutely got to keep her full of good, clean oil (drain out your own blood sometime and see how good you feel). If you're looking to limp her over, keep oil on the stick but remember that's not helping the filter out, and you need a clean filter for proper circulation. NASCAR, etc., lay the advertising on pretty thick for particular products, but just get the cheapest oil and filter around and have yourself a proper change every 3000 mile. Synthetics are a waste of money because you don't even have time to break down Wal-Mart brand in 3K. See, you change the oil to get out the condensation and debris, not because the petro chemicals are bad. I've heard of farmers who keep their old oil in drums and reuse it after the muck has settled out. Other things you'll want to do are grease the drive train and ball joints every 10K, toss in a new air filter and plugs every 30K, and change your timing belt/chain and radiator fluid every 60K. For everything else, just keep an ear tuned in for unusual sounds - she'll tell you what she wants (that goes for wheel bearings too). As far as additives go, they're all crap but one. We've done those tests you see on the TV and, without going into detail, X-1R is the only product that made a difference (it made a big difference). The shows you see on TV where they drain out the oil are fake because any fool knows that you GOT to have an oil film for your main journals, which comes from oil pressure! Them cars wouldn't make it round the block in real life. You can pick up X-1R at Wal-Mart or for 1/2 the price from any number of local distributors (I get it from Carson Baird). Finally, forget the bastard mechanic - do it yourself. Changing your own oil is so American that you'll get choked up, and it's the only way to make sure it gets done right.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I've seen your truck and I'm not sure you are qualified to answer questions about vehicle maintenance, unless we're talking black paint and duct tape.

Just thought you might want to roust out the skeletons straight away.
Your Friend Doodle, Pennsylvania

Dear Doodle,
First off, I buy duct tape like you buy Copenhagen (in logs) and always have it laying around. What's more, I've found that when it comes to truck maintenance there are three things you can't afford to be without: a siphon hose long enough to reach the vehicle next to you, WD-40, and a roll of duct tape. This simple tool kit has pulled me from a fix more times than I care to count and, well, maybe some of those "quick repairs" don't always get upgraded after I limp home. Upon reflecting, I guess my only defense it that ol' Blackie still runs.
- Doug