Dear Doug,
My wife caught me exposing myself to the chickens and says I cheated on her. The last time I checked, "thou shalt not nut-juggle in a chicken coop" ain't in the twelve commandments. Should I apologize, kill the bitch, or ask her to try it with me?
- R. Sauder, Windsor Park, PA

Dear R.,
It sounds to me that your lady don't understand the whys and wherefores of exciting hens and intimidating roosters. A hen that ain't feeling frisky don't lay eggs, and a rooster who thinks he's the "big man" won't let you at them eggs she just go done a'laying. Try and explain this to her in a way a woman can comprehend: big eggs makes for better omelets. If she don't approve of your methods, she might just as well be raising quail. Sometimes womenfolk are a bit stubborn though, and if you're still sucking hind tit after all this, I recommend you kill her. You sure don't need her rambling on about your methods at the hair dresser's, on account of the other clientele eavesdroping. Remember, loose lips sink ships and I imagine you don't need this'a here secret technique getting out to the competition.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
Besides turning through the pages of my favorite gent's mags, like Juggs and Beaver Hunt, I really don't do so well with the ladies. I really need your help here. What is the proper way to meet and treat a lady?
- Happy, Lancaster, PA

Dear Happy,
I can see how some people could mistakenly think I know, or can get ahold of, the information you're after. The problem is, there ain't a man in the world that can answer that question. Once you think you have a lady figured out she turns around and scolds you for agreeing you don't like something she don't either, or for excusing yourself, or for staying out late, like a good provider, trying to bring in your limit. I think meeting a lady is all timing - it ain't like working a jig where some men is better than others. Conversing properly with a lady is just about when you get ahold of her. Maybe it has to do with them moon phases they are printing on the inside lid of tackle boxes. Anywho, I recommend you just pretend like you're hunting. Go out and try different calls, cover, approaches, scent masking strategies, camo patterns, etc. I can't guarantee you'll be able to pin down the one that works for your area, but I'm pretty sure you'll identify a couple that don't. Good luck.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I've had it with American women. All they do is complain and bitch. For God's sake, by the time they turn 30 they're packing a couple extra tubes round their stomachs, and flanks that could keep Western Sizzler in business for a month. Of late, I've found myself gravitating toward the Asian female. They're so cute and submissive - what else could be better? Is is right to date Asian women? If not, what are my alternative?
- Ruck, San Francisco, CA

Dear Ruck,
By all means! The Good Lord ain't seen fit to grant me the experience, but I've sure heard a story or two from Nam. Women are the one thing I'm in favor of allowing into US ports duty free. Tools, cars, shoes are another issue. If you feel yourself taking a special attraction to the Asian type, then that's what you need to go get. However, I reckon you should consider what you're looking for in old age too. We all know that it don't matter how cute them girls start out, if she ain't a movie star, she's gonna start getting ugly somewheres down the pike. With the American girls, you're right - they can pack on the pounds quicker'n fast-set glue. On the other hand, Asian women tend to look like fried octopus when they get old. I reckon I can slap the dog for eating my dinner, but I can't make his short legs long. Course, any beauty problem can be solved with a little Wild Turkey.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
My boyfriend asked me to go camping with him. I've never been camping, but I really like this guy so I said yes. Then he asked me if I know how to squat. I said "sure, I do it all the time." He looked at me kinda funny and just changed the subject. I went to the bookstore and checked in about 10 camping books and can't find anything that mentions squatting. What is it and how do you do it?
- Puzzled in New York City

Dear Puzzled,
Squatting can take on two completely different meaning depending on if you're dealing with city or country folk. In the city it's a crime and we won't address that because it's downright sad that someone would take advantage of another man's land. Now out here in the country squatting's what you do when nature calls and you don't have the proper plumbing, if you take my meaning. Here's what you do: Go to the local pet store and buy your standard kitty litter box. Paint a target in the litter with food coloring and practice your aim. Also make sure you can identify an oak leaf. If you really think this guy's a keeper, it wouldn't hurt to show up at camp with a sack of meat and a bottle of Fighting Cock.
- Doug

P.S. There actually is a book on the subject called "How to Shit in the Woods." Check for it on amazon.com.

Dear Doug,
I've been sleeping with the same girl for about three weeks now and last night she asked me to make her "shake like a dog shitting peach seeds." Any ideas?
Casey, Reno, NV

Dear Casey,
Wow...three weeks in Nevada costs quite a bit of money, don't it? See me myself I don't take much pride in the quality of love I give my women. I'd just hook 'er up to the charger that I use on my boat batteries. In your case though I'd suggest you do something real special, like say her name, take out your chew, or actually drop your wranglers. Not having your belt buckle rubbing against her should get her going pretty good. This is about the best advice I can give - I reckon I'd be a lot more help if you were looking for a way to get her to leave.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I do a lot of shooting, and I've developed a fondness for the smell of Hoppes No. 9 powder solvent. I try to get my girlfriend to wear it when we have sex, but she complains that it gives her a rash. What should I do?
- Matt, Cut Bank, MT

Dear Matt,
If it's just her skin that's afflicted and she don't mind the beautiful smell, just pin your used patches to parts of the bed where she won't be rollin. If she's real obliged to your ideas and not opposed to some unromantic moments, ask her if she'd mind if you clean your guns while you're...you know. A friend, Jess, also suggested that you dip your mustache in No. 9 so as to have a personal supply right under your nose. Course, that sort of limits where your mustache can go now that I think on it.
- Doug

Dear Doug,
I really do love my boyfriend Billy. We have been together for 3 weeks now and I want to get his picture on my ass. My friends say it's too soon but I know I love him:) What do you think?
- Wanting to Put Billy Behind Me in Idaho

Dear Wanting,
I see nothing wrong with wanting to carry a memory of Billy with you forever but why not just stick a picture of him in yer wallet? If you feel that you need the permanancy of a tattoo, try starting off with his name. Should the two of you have a falling out it shouldn't be hard to find another guy named Billy. Finding someone who looks like him too is a tall order and is liable to bring back old memories.
- Doug